My Choice


“It seemed everyone wanted me to make that decision…However, I felt something tugging deep within my soul. In my heart, I knew there was no way I could go through with it…So I decided to no longer listen to these voices. This would be my choice to make.”

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Every choice we make has an effect on us, whether it is for good or for evil. Although some of our choices may be smaller, they all have a rippling effect. This is something I had to learn the hard way.

When I was twenty years of age, I was young and carefree. I had left my childhood faith behind and every choice I made from that point onwards seemed to be leading me straight into a black hole. However, at the time, I was blinded to this.

In university, I spent most of my nights frequenting bars and nightclubs and became heavily involved in the “party scene”. While I did know a few members of an on-campus Christian union group, the honest truth is that I found their meetings to be a bore.

Despite all this, I was still a good student. I worked fairly hard and didn’t get too involved with boys. But after I was placed in an exclusive overseas program which landed me in Mexico, things soon changed. Alone in a foreign country, this newfound freedom appeared to be exhilarating at first. I was getting a lot more attention from guys and partying non-stop. But soon, reality came crashing down on me. As a result of my chosen lifestyle, my grades had begun to suffer. Add to this, the start of a new relationship and I quickly found myself overwhelmed.

Still, I was able to finish the semester and returned home just after Christmas. Upon coming back to England, I left my boyfriend and that life behind me. A few weeks later, I started feeling sick a lot, so my friend persuaded me to go in for a check-up, although I hadn’t thought it necessary. It was only when I saw two blue lines on the pregnancy test I took that things began to come together. I was pregnant. It was then that the weight of my past choices came upon me and I broke down in tears.

In the efforts to come to terms with my current situation, I sought advice from others. Most of my university friends told me to get an abortion. Other friends listened as I shared, but didn’t have much to say. Perhaps they felt it wasn’t their place “to judge”, but this only made the struggle worse for me.

It seemed everyone wanted me to make that decision, as even the doctors told me to do the “unselfish” thing and go ahead with the abortion. However, I felt something tugging deep within my soul. In my heart, I knew there was no way I could go through with it. I had done my research and I knew the truth.

Everything that I had heard from others was just lies. They told me that I shouldn’t have this baby because a child would ruin my life. They told me I wouldn’t be able to finish my degree. They told me I would be forever damaged physically and emotionally, that I would remain single for life and that I would never be able to find a good job to support my child. After being disappointed by others, I came to the realization that I truly was on my own. This is when I found myself turning to the only One who could really help me: God.

So upon prayerful reflection, I decided to no longer listen to these voices. This would be my choice to make. A few days later, I informed the doctor of my decision. However, they weren’t happy with this and tried to persuade me otherwise. The midwife frankly told me I should rethink my decision. I was young and frightened and they took advantage of that.

But what they didn’t know was that this young, frightened woman had Someone much bigger standing behind her. I was convicted that my decision to choose life, was causing the devil to tremble and I knew that the reactions I was getting were simply just a reflection of this. Most people simply could not understand.

But to this day, I believe 100% that I did what was right. Now, I want to encourage other women who may find themselves in a situation similar to mine. My son, Ali, didn’t ruin my life, in fact, he added so much more to it. I love going out with him for walks to the beach, or jumping with him on the trampoline. He loves to draw and dance and he never ceases to make me smile. Not only was I able to finish my language degree, but I was also able to get a teaching diploma and two master’s degrees. Also, not only did God allow me to forgive the people in my past, but He also introduced me to a wonderful man who has blessed both myself and Ali and has further served to encourage me in my faith.

As far as I know, I was the only one facing such a decision at the time, in a university of about 30,000 students. But although others in my school may not have had to deal with the exact same situation I was, I know that they had many hard choices of their own to make. As I think back, I wonder how many of those students were lost? How many of their dreams and destinies were pushed aside? How many had to make decisions they regretted?

And how many babies never made it to see this day? Although many children did not make it, we can be certain that God still had a destiny for them in Heaven. He has a destiny for all of us, and He longs for us to walk on the path that He has ordained for us now.

Since I gave birth to Ali, there have been countless other choices I have had to make, many of which will have a direct influence on His upbringing. With every passing day, as I embark on life’s journey, I know without a doubt that God desires for me to draw closer to Him. It is in these hard times, that I have been fortunate enough to see His hand more. Doors have opened that would never have opened before, and people I never expected to cross paths with have suddenly found their way into my life. But one of the most beautiful things so far has been sharing God’s love with Ali. In learning to place Him in the Father’s arms, I have been amazed to witness how the Lord has led in his life so far and how much he has grown his faith.

So, I know what you are thinking. Can you still continue your life after you have a child? Perhaps this is the wrong question to ask. Yes, you can certainly follow God’s destiny while training your child to follow their God-given destiny. Yet, perhaps as I reflect on where God has taken me from, I believe the real question that should be asked here is: Can God forgive our past sins and mistakes and turn our lives into something much more beautiful than we could ever imagine?

I think you know the answer to that.


Photos courtesy of: Helena L. 

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Helena L.
Helena L.

Helena. L is an English teacher, blogger, editor and single mother to a wonderful little boy. She is also an enthusiastic linguist and translator, speaks five languages, and has lived on three different continents. She is especially interested in revival history and living Heaven culture, and the best part is, she loves Jesus.

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